What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 18:25
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It was going to be , some day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I don,t even have a pension.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Has anyone been tricked into having sex with a shemale? How was the experience?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Is there a correlation between being a medium and mental health?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My family never makes their pension either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it wasn’t much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i do to all so called friends.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She married twice! .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I have no regrets .
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
But, we were locked up after school.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!